The Argument Sketch¹

Argument According to Monty Python

(From "Monty Python’s Instant Record")

The Cast
(in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
B= Abuser
D= Arguer (John Cleese)
E= Complainer (Eric Idle)
F= Head Hitter

M: Ah. I’d like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, I’s one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who’s free at the moment.

(Pause)

R: Mr. DeBakey’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

B: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
B: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
B: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I’m not going to just stand...!!
B: OH, oh I’m sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
B: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
B: Not at all.
M: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walks down the corridor)

M: (Knocks)
D: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
D: I told you once.
M: No you haven’t.
D: Yes I have.
M: When?
D: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
D: Yes I did.
M: You didn’t
D: I did!
M: You didn’t!
D: I’m telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
D: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
D: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
D: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
D: Yes I did.
M: No you didn’t.
D: Yes I did.
M: No you didn’t.
D: Yes I did.
M: No you didn’t.
D: Yes I did.
M: You didn’t.
D: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn’t an argument.
D: Yes it is.
M: No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.
D: No it isn’t.
M: It is!
D: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
D: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
D: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
D: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
D: No it isn’t.
M: I came here for a good argument.
D: No you didn’t; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn’t just contradiction.
D: It can be.
M: No it can’t. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
D: No it isn’t.
M: Yes it is! It’s not just contradiction.
D: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that’s not just saying ‘No it isn’t.’
D: Yes it is!
M: No it isn’t!
D: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
D: No it isn't.
M: It is.
D: Not at all.
M: Now look.
D: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
D: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
D: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
D: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
(pause)
D: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
D: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
D: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
D: (Hums) M: Look, this is ridiculous.
D: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
D: Thank you.
(short pause)
M: Well?
D: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
D: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
D: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
D: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
D: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
D: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
D: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
D: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
E: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
E: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
E: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
F: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
F: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
F: Now...
M: Waaaaah!!!
F: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
F: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
F: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
F: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
F: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

Endnotes

¹ Modified from http://www.mindspring.com/~mfpatton/sketch.htm. Attributed to “Monty Python's Previous Record” and Monty Python's Instant Record Collection, originally transcribed by Dan Kay(dan@reed.uucp); Fixed up and Added ‘Complaint’ and ‘Being Hit On The Head lessons’ Aug/ 87 by Tak Ariga (tak@gpu.utcs.toronto.edu).” ⇑