The Man Who Settled Cases¹

(Settle When Exhausted)

(From Rabelais’s Gargantua and Pantagruel)

I REMEMBER . . .’ , continued Bridlegoose, ‘that at the time when I was studying law at Poitiers, under Professor Axiom, there was at Smarve, on Peter Nitwit, and honest man, a good farmer, a fair singer at the choir, a man of good reputation, and of the age of most of you gentlemen. He used to say that he had seen that grand old man, the Lateran Council in his broad red hat, together with his wife, the lady Pragmatic Sanction, with her broad blue satin ribbon and her great jet rosary. This good fellow used to settle more lawsuits than were ever tried in all the courts of Poitiers, in the session house of the Montmorillon, and in the market hall of Parthenay-leVieux; which won him the respect of all the countryside. Every dissension, dispute, and quarrel in Chauvigny, Nouaillé, Croutelles, Esgne, Ligugé, La Motte, Lusignan, Vivonne, Meseaux, Étables, and the neighbouring places was settled on his rulings as if by a high court judge, although he was no judgment, but just a simple fellow. Arg. in l. se si unius. ff. De jurejur. et de verb. obl. l. continuus. There wasn’t a hog killed in the whole neighbourhood that he didn’t get part of the roasting meat and the sausages, and almost every day he was at some banquet, feast, wedding, christening, or churching, or at the tavern—to effect so settlement, you understand. For he never brought any parties to agree that he did not make them drink together, as a symbol of reconciliation, of perfect concord, and of happiness renewed; ut not. per Doct. ff. De peric. et com. rei vend. l. j.

He had a son called Stevie Nitwit, a grand lad and a good fellow, s’welp me God, who also wanted to take a hand in the settling of disputes. For you know that

Saepe solet similis filius esse patris
Et sequitur leviter filia matris iter.²

ut ait gl. vi. qu. i. c. Si quis; gl. De cons. d.5.c.j. fi et est not. per Doct. C. De impu. et aliis et subst. l. ult. et l. legitimate; ff. De stat. hom. gl. in l. quod si nolit; ff. De aedil. ed l. quis. C. ad leg. Jul. majes.: Excipio filios a moniali susceptus ex monacho, per gl. in c. impudicas, xxvij. q. j. And he took as his title, Lawsuit-settler out of Court. He was so watchful and active in his business, for

vigilantibus jura subveninunt,³

ex leg. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et ibid. l. Non enim, et Inst. In prooemio, that the moment he got wind, ut ff. si quad.. paup. fec. l. Agaso. gl. in verb. olfecit i. nasum ad culum posuit,⁴ and heard of any suit or dispute in that country he pushed his nose in to reconcile the parties. It is written

Qui non laborat non manige ducat.⁵

and gl. ff. De damn. infect. l. quamvis, says the same; as does Currere more than a trot

vetulam compellit egestas⁶

and gl. De lib. agnos. l. Si quis. pro qua facit. l. si plures. C De condit. incerti. But he was so unfortunate in his business that he never reconciled a single dispute, not even the most trivial one. Instead of reconciling the parties, indeed, he merely exasperated and antagonized them. You know, gentlemen, that

Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis.⁷

gloss. ff. De alie. ju. mut. caus. fa. l. ij. And the inn-keepers of Smarve said that, in his time, they had no sold as much wine of reconciliation—which was what they called the good wine of Ligugè—as they used to do in half an hour in the old man’s time.

‘Now he happened to complain of his bad luck to his father, attributing its causes to the perversity of the men of his day. He roundly argued that if the world had been as perverse, litigious, unrestrained, and irreconcilable in the olden times, he—his father—would never have won such honour nor the title of “unfailing peacemaker” by which he had been known.

In this Stevie was breaking the law which forbids children to reproach their own parents, per gl. et Bart. l. iiij. § sed quod sancitum, coll. 4. ‘You must change your methods, Stevie, my son,’ answered Peter. ‘For When Lord Opertet⁸is the King, this is the course for following. g. C. De appell. l. eos. etiam.

You’re barking up the wrong tree. You never settle cases—and why? Because you catch hold of them at their beginnings, when they’re still raw and unripe. I settle them all,—and why? Because I catch hold of them at the end, when they’re nearly ripe and digested. You know the line,

Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus.⁹

l. non moriturus. C. De contrah. et comit. stip. Don’t you remember the common proverb that runs: He’s a lucky doctor who’s called in at the end of the illness? The illness, of course, had reached its crisis and was beginning to abate naturally without any intercession by the doctor. In the same way, my litigants were drifting unaided towards an end of their disputes, because their purses were empty. They were ceasing of themselves to prosecute and defend, for they had no coin in the kitty to prosecute or defend with,

Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia.¹⁰

All they wanted was someone to act as sponsor and mediator, to make the first mention of a settlement, to save each party from the awful shame of having it said to him: “It was he that gave in first. He was the first to talk of an agreement. He got tired first. He hadn’t got the better case, and he felt the shoe pinching.” Then I find myself as welcome as peas and bacon. That’s my happy moment, my moment of advantage, when my luck’s in. And I tell you, Stevie my dear son, that by this method I could make peace—or at least a truce—between the Great King and the Venetians, between the Emperor and the Swiss, between the English and the Scots, or between the Pope and the people of Ferrara. Shall I be bolder? S’welp me God, I could make peace between the Turk and the Sophy, or between the Tartars and the Muscovites. Now listen carefully to me. I should catch them at the moment when both sides were tired of making war, when they had emptied their coffers, squeezed their subjects’ purses dry, sold their estates, mortgaged their lands, and exhausted their stores and munitions. Then, by God or his holy mother, spite or no spit, they are compelled to take breath and curb their wicked ambitions. That is the lesson in gl. xxxvii d. c. S. quando.

Odero si potero; si non, invitus amabo.¹¹

Endnotes

¹ François Rabelais, Gargantua and Pantagruel Chapter XLI (London: Penguin Books 1955), 401 ff. ⇑

² The son generally takes after his father, and the daughter after her mother. ⇑

³ The law helps the vigilant. ⇑

⁴ This refers to a case of a groom whose horse sniffed at a mule in an innwyard; and which olfecit was defined as nose sniffing arse. ⇑

⁵ If any do not work he shall not manage a household (a bad pun on 2 Thess. 3:10). ⇑

⁶ Old age made the old hag run. ⇑

⁷ Everyone is gifted with speech, but few have wisdom of the soul. ⇑

⁸ Necessity. ⇑

⁹ A fruit is sweeter for having survived many dangers. ⇑

¹⁰ If money is lacking, everything is lacking (somewhat garbled). ⇑

¹¹ I will hate if I can, but otherwise, reluctantly, I will love. ⇑